What a difference a year makes

I wanted to come on here to reflect on this past year as the new year begins.  Before I started, I wanted to read my blog post from the beginning of last year.  Wow!  What a difference!  I knew where I was at this point last year and I knew it wouldn't be a "happy" post, but I forgot exactly how I felt in that moment and it is such a reminder of how blessed I am.  2013 started off with our miscarriage.  We had undergone our first IVF experience at the end of 2012 and it had been successful only to be taken away in an instant.  2013 started out so sad...I had felt that things wouldn't get any better, but I tried so hard to keep a positive outlook on things.  Thank goodness for that, because the year turned out to be such a good one!  In April, we took 2 of our frozen embryos and implanted them.  I was so scared and nervous that it wouldn't work, but it did!  God is so good!  We gave birth to our beautiful twin boys in November and I can't imagine life without them.  I often wonder why the first pregnancy after IVF didn't take, but we would have never met these sweet boys if it did.  "God has perfect timing; never early, never late.  It takes a little patience and a whole lot of faith, but it is worth the wait."

I know I have talked a lot about or struggles, pregnancy, and now our beautiful babies, but it has been a big year for the older kids as well.  2013 marked the end of preschool and the beginning of kindergarten for my "baby".  Aeson is officially a big boy now!  Although, he will always be my baby...even with these two new babies.  He thrived in preschool and started out doing well in kindergarten.  He is still doing ok in school, but I think he has had some trouble with all the new adjustments in his life.  He not only has 2 new baby brothers, but actually 3!  His dad and his wife also gave birth to a baby boy in October.  Hopefully this new year will be a good one for him as he adjusts to this new life as a big brother.  He is so in love with these babies and even though he isn't sure he wants them around, I know he will be an amazing older brother to all three of his little brothers.

Bryden has also had a big year.  He started 3rd grade and other than one little hiccup with his grades, he has been such an AWESOME kid!  He is doing well in school and I have never gotten so many positive comments from one of his teachers.  He is thriving in his class and is very helpful to the other students and is apparently quite the little leader.  I never imagined he would be this way.  He has never been a bad kid or a poor student, but I figured he was more like me and would just quietly take a seat in the back and keep to himself.  I'm so glad he didn't get that quality!  He has not only been awesome in school, but he has grown up so much at home.  He still has his moments and argues or doesn't listen to what we have to say, but for the most part he has become such a good son.  He is so helpful around the house and hardly ever puts up a fight when we ask him to do something.  It has been such a bittersweet year for me in regards to Bryden.  I feel sad that he has grown up so much, but it is also such an amazing thing to watch.  It is so easy to doubt your parenting skills, but when you watch your child becoming such a good person, you have to tell yourself that you must be doing something right.  Maybe not everything...but something.

As for me and Alex, this past year has probably been pretty challenging for our relationship.  I'm sure 2012 was worse, but Alex has had to put up with so many hormonal issues!  From IVF to pregnancy to postpartum...oh my....  Not many men can handle all of that well and I don't blame them!  However, he has been such an amazing husband throughout everything.  I know I don't let him know this enough, but I am so thankful for him.  I have loved watching him become a dad.  He was already a great father figure in Bryden and Aeson's lives, but watching him become a dad has been really beautiful.  I truly can't wait to see what the next year has waiting for us.

  

Giovanni & Luca's birth story

What a whirlwind this past month has been!  I can't believe our precious babies will be 4 weeks old on Wednesday.  Their arrival has been a long time coming and they couldn't be anymore perfect.

A couple of weeks before they were born, I went in for one of my many routine ultrasounds.  This is when we discovered that "B" (Luca) was not growing like his brother.  My doctor decided it would be best to send me to the maternal fetal medicine doctor to have her take a look.  A few days later, she confirmed that Luca was developing IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction).  Giovanni was measuring over 5 lbs and he was measuring a little under 4.  She decided it would be best to deliver sooner rather than later because he would do better outside of the womb.  I actually wound up in the hospital that night due to high blood pressure and was scared they would deliver them right away.  Luckily, I was able to go home the next morning, which was a Friday, and let them "cook" a little bit longer.  After the weekend, I went back to the OB to do a nonstress test.  Both babies looked good and he decided to schedule my induction for that Wednesday, November 27th.  I was 35 weeks.  I arrived at the hospital around 7:00 am.  The plan was for me to try a vaginal delivery since both babies were head down.  The doctor came in sometime around 9:00 and and broke Giovanni's water.  After he broke it, Luca (the little stinker) decided to flip breech.  Our doctor was still ok with a vaginal delivery since Giovanni was still head down.  I was a little freaked out because I was terrified of having a "double whammy" and didn't want one to come out vaginally and the other having to be a c-section.  I had an epidural pretty soon after my water broke...before I was in much pain.  The nurse recommended that I go ahead and get one right away, so I did.  I can't decide how I feel about epidurals.  I didn't have one with Bryden and it was very painful, but bearable.  I liked how I could feel that my body knew exactly what to do...such an amazing experience.  On the other hand, it is very nice to not feel any pain.  Unfortunately, it's pretty hard for me to feel ANYTHING with an epidural.  Around noon, I decided that I may have felt a little bit of pressure.  The nurse checked me and sure enough I was 10 cm dilated!  (I just have to give myself some credit for a second and let you know that I LOVE that I labor quickly...I can't imagine being in labor for an extensive amount of time!)  At that point, they called the doctor and told him to come to the hospital and they also got the OR ready. With twins, they make you deliver in the OR even if you plan on trying for a vaginal delivery..just in case.  It was awful.  Such a bright cold room with a ZILLION people around.  They had nursers for me, an anesthesiologist, nurses for each baby, plus a NICU nurse or two since they were 35 weekers.  Alex was in there too, of course, with the camera in hand.  Once the doctor arrived, it was time to push.  My nurse said I would be able to get Giovanni out in 1 push, but another negative thing about the epidural is that I can't really tell how hard I was pushing.  I'm guessing I wound up pushing for 10 minutes or so, but he came out pretty quickly.  Once he was out, the plan was to try to turn Luca around, but apparently he wasn't waiting for that.  His feet were right there and his heart rate dropped a bit, so with one push my doctor pulled him right out feet first!  Once Luca was out, I started crying.  It was such a surreal experience after all of our struggles and then having TWO babies.

Giovanni weighed 5 lbs 6 oz and Luca weighed more than we thought at 4 lbs 6 oz.  Amazingly, both babies checked out ok and needed no NICU time!  I was completely shocked!  They were immediately able to come into our room.  We spent Thanksgiving in the hospital, but we were able to go home on time that Friday.  I still can't believe that we were able to leave there with such a tiny little baby.  They both had lost a little weight, which is completely normal, but Luca was only 4 lbs 1 oz when we left.

The past 4 weeks have been so exhausting, but so amazing.  The first two weeks were a little rough for me, but Alex was so great and his mom was also here to help.  I wasn't sure if I could handle her every leaving, but she left this morning and so far we are all still alive!  My parent's have also been very helpful and have also helped with the big kids.  It is hard to give the older ones the attention they deserve at the moment and care for two newborns.  Luckily, we have a lot of family that is willing to help out.

When Alex and I started this journey together, I wasn't sure if we would ever have a baby.  But, with the help of a FABULOUS doctor and staff, we were able to get pregnant and give birth to two wonderful little baby boys.  Our hearts are so full and we can't wait to see where this journey will take us next.

30 Weeks!

I've made it to 30 weeks!  I can't believe it!  I've been so scared of going into preterm labor and am still a little nervous about everything, but I've made it to a point where I feel comfortable that if I were to go into labor then they have a great chance at survival.  I had an appointment yesterday and baby A is measuring 3 lbs 8 oz and B is 3 lbs 1 oz.  I can't believe I have 6 1/2 lbs of baby in me already!  Well, I can believe it....I feel every ounce of it in my pelvis and hips, but it still seems very surreal.  My cervix is over a 4, which is great!  That isn't exactly an indicator that I won't go into preterm labor anytime soon, but it is a good place to be, considering most doctors like to see it at a 2.5 at least.  So we are hoping they can hang in there at least another 5-7 weeks!  Hopefully not ANY longer!  I was under the impression that I would have a c-section or be induced at 37 weeks and yesterday I found out that if I want to try for a vaginal delivery, then we will be leaving them in there until I go into labor on my own.  So all this time I've been worrying about preterm delivery and now, knowing my luck, I will be the freak that makes it to 40 weeks with twins.  :/

Last week, we finally decided to get out and take a stab at our own maternity photos with the help of Alex's dad.  It's not easy doing your own photo shoot!  I kind of wish we would have hired someone to take them, but I never like pictures of me anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter.  Here's a peek at some of the images:

We also had a small baby shower this past weekend and it was a couple's shower.  It was so nice to celebrate with our family and friends.  But now, I have realized that it is getting down to the wire and we have lots of shopping to do!  Yikes!!  We did get the cribs together recently and seeing two cribs in the nursery is slightly overwhelming!   I am still very anxious and excited to meet these sweet little boys very soon (but not TOO soon....or TOO long!)

Fall into new beginnings

A couple of weeks ago the kids started school.  Most parents that I know count down the days until this big day as if they were kids counting down the days until Christmas.  I, on the other hand, was not.  Don't get me wrong...its has been so nice to have them in school.  I am able to get a lot of work done or just relax while I cook these babies for a few more months.  However, this particular start to the school year was a little bitter sweet.  My "baby" has gone off to kindergarten.  He has left me here to have a pity party for myself while he embarks on this new journey.  I miss him being home every day.

Surprisingly, he has had a great start to the school year.  Before school started, he wasn't too excited about going, but as the day came closer he started to feel a little better about it all.  He wasn't sad or upset and couldn't wait to go to "big boy school" with his brother.  I only had to walk him into his class for the first 2 days.  The second day when we got into his hall he looked up at me and said that "he can make it from here".  My heart sank.  I took him in anyway.  The 3rd day, he insisted on letting me drop them off in the drop off line.  I had to beg Bryden to make sure Aeson made it to his class.  What in the world did I do when Bryden went to kindergarten and didn't have a big brother to make sure he made it to class?  I totally blame the pregnancy hormones on my irrational fears, but I was positive Aeson was going to get lost.  I feared that I would come to pick them up and Aeson wasn't going to be there because he got lost in the shuffle.  I felt awful sitting in the car, craning my neck, trying to make sure I could see that both of them actually went inside the school doors.  I spent the day wondering if I should call the school or just send his teacher an email just to make sure he made it.  But, I shoved crazy aside and just patiently waited until the school day was over.  Sure enough, both kids were still there when it was time to pick them up!  On the 4th day, Aeson begged to buy his lunch from the cafeteria.  I told him he should wait until the following week, which he did.  Of course, I worried that he wouldn't actually get his lunch...or that he would drop his tray, but he came home feeling very proud of himself for buying his own lunch!  Although, he did mention he didn't have time to eat it all.  *Sigh*

Ever since the first day, Aeson seems like he has grown so much.  When the kids jump in the car he argues with Bryden about who can tell me about their day first.  He usually wins since Bryden is much less excited and then Aeson continues to talk until bedtime.  Neither kid has a behavior chart this year.  Bryden has had some sort of chart every year, so at least I know if he had a good day or bad day.  This year, I have to take their word for it.  I "think" that Bryden is doing well.  He has been known to get into trouble for talking too much, but I haven't heard anything negative...yet.  He's been very good about coming strait home from school and doing his homework.  He even wants to do the whole weeks worth of homework on Monday!  I'm not sure what happened to him (he used to be such a little procrastinator), but I welcome this change!  Aeson is also doing very well apparently!  For the first 2 weeks, he kept telling me he was getting into trouble.  I finally grounded him from TV thinking that should do the trick.  I got so fed up with the fact that he was getting into trouble that I decided to email his teacher to ask about the situation.  Then the weirdest thing happened...she emailed me back and said he WASN'T GETTING INTO TROUBLE!  She said he was an "excellent student" and was even the first kid to join one of her "academic clubs".  WHAT!?!?  I'm still a little confused as to why my child came home every day claiming to be in trouble...but is actually doing fantastic!!  I guess I will never know....all I can say is that he is a very unique little boy.

Here are a few pics from the first day of school:
 

 

Too much anxiety

First of all, here I am last week (16 weeks).  I feel like I should be bigger than this with twins, but I guess I wasn't ever that big with singletons either.  Actually, I don't think I was showing at all at this point with Bryden or Aeson.

As you can see..I am full of worry!  I'm worried I'm not big enough, I'm worried that I haven't felt them (or have I?), I'm worried that the heart rate is faster on one, I'm worried about walking around too much or not enough, worried that I have a headache, worried, worried, worried!!!  Ugh!  I could not WAIT to get pregnant again.  I wanted to savor every little moment since I may not ever experience this again!  Unfortunately, all my joy has been taken over by anxiety.  Twins are scary.  Almost every story of people I personally know that have been pregnant with twins have had some sort of issue.  It ranges from bed rest, to hospital bed rest, to premature labor that leads to the death of one or even both babies...or maybe they both made it, but they were in the NICU for MONTHS!  This makes me freak out!  I've reached out to the internet world and asked for some positive stories and I received many of them...so I know that it is possible!  I am trying to have faith that my body has had two healthy children with absolutely no issues and that it can do it for two.  I don't even mind the thought of bed rest (although with two older kids in school and part of various activities this could be a little problematic), I'm obviously most terrified of something happening to them.  I've expressed my concerns with my OB and he seems to think that everything will be fine and to quit freaking out when we don't have anything to worry about at the moment.  

Anyway, that's it for today.  Just hoping I can relax because what will be will be...  Any thoughts and prayers would be much appreciated!

Long time no see!

I know, I know...it's been awhile!  I have been wanting to blog for months now, but just didn't feel it was ever the "right" time.  But, we finally have BIG news!  We are finally pregnant!  WITH TWINS!  We've already made the big announcement to the everyone, but it's time that the blogging world knows so I have a diary for myself to share everything.  I have briefly mentioned in the past that we were struggling with secondary infertility, so we are so happy and excited to finally be at this point.  I wanted to blog about my struggles, but felt the need to keep quiet about things.  I got really tired of people asking me how things were going in the baby department.  It was really difficult and sad to keep repeating that nothing was working.  I finally decided to shutup about things around the holidays so hopefully nobody would ask.  We did our first round of IVF in November and it worked.  We were so happy, but I never felt at peace.  Eventually, I discovered why.  The baby stopped growing at 5 weeks and we miscarried in January.  I don't think I've ever been at such a low place.  We had to have a d&c and it was heartbreaking to have someone rip out the baby that we were so desperate to have.  The weeks following were terrible.  My friends and family that knew about everything didn't seem to understand.  My own husband didn't seem to understand, although I know he was upset also.  We were told we had to wait a few months before trying again.  The waiting was agony!  However, I had comfort knowing that we had 5 little frozen embryos waiting for us.  In March we were able to get started on the process for our frozen embryo transfer (FET).  It meant more shots, but I was so ready to do whatever it took.  We didn't tell anyone that we were gearing up to do this in case it didn't work.  In April we transferred two of our little embryos and obviously, they both stuck!  I felt better about the transfer, so I was really hoping that they would stick around for the long haul.  So far so good!  At first, I had trouble keeping the news a secret.  We let our moms know early on and one of my best friends, but that was it!  I was so miserable and sick and had trouble hiding it, but after awhile I kind of grew to like our little secret.  :)  Eventually, right before the 14 week mark, we decided to let the news out.  We had our NT scan and everything looked great, so we decided it was time.  I was a little nervous telling Bryden and Aeson.  I wasn't sure how they would react and their dad also has a baby on the way (due not long before us), so this was going to be big news for them!  I didn't expect too much of a reaction, just because my kids don't show much emotion, but Bryden's reaction was priceless!  I wish I had it on video.  He died laughing when we told them it was twins...and then laughed even harder when I said that the doctor's think they are both boys (at least one is 100% a boy and the other appears to be the same).  Aeson didn't have much to say...I'm pretty sure he doesn't realize his world is about to change in a big way!  After Bryden had a good chuckle, he didn't seem to surprised.  He said something to me about God finally giving us babies. He knew that I had been praying for this for a long time.  He legitimately seems excited about having babies around, which makes my heart so happy.

So far, this pregnancy has been fairly easy compared to my other two.  At first, this worried me.  I figured since I had two babies in there that this one would be awful!  But, not too bad!  I still have morning sickness off and on and I am completely exhausted if I leave the house for over an hour, but nothing I can't handle.  I'm hoping that everything continues to go fairly smoothly, but I know twins can be hard to carry, so I am just praying we can make it to 37 weeks with minimal issues!  (Only 22 more weeks to go!)

Here is a photo of me last week at 14 weeks.  (Excuse the way I look)

I definitely plan to blog more often.  I have always said that I wished I would have kept a journal or something with my other pregnancies, so this is the easiest way to do it!  

Just because

It's been a few months, so I just wanted to pop in and update.  2013 has still proven to be a crap year, but I am still determined that it will get better.  I mean...it HAS to get better.  It's only March!  I will be starting another blog for some of the issues that we have been facing.  It will be a private blog and if you are really that interested, then let me know and you can follow it if you'd like. 

So back to the updates...we are moving!  We are staying in Prosper, but will be moving to a different neighborhood into a slightly bigger house with a HUGE yard!  Our dogs will be so excited!  (Only if we can get them off the couch....)  The kids are super excited and I am happy about it, but slightly overwhelmed.  I hate moving.  I knew I hated moving, but this morning I decided to start packing and got three boxes into it before I "took a break".  I also realized that I completely underestimated the amount of boxes we need....  The house we bought is in need of some updates.  I'm not sure why they built the house in 2005 with fixtures from the 80s.  Not a good look, in my opinion!  We will be putting in new floors and updating the kitchen pretty quickly and then hopefully doing projects as we go.  I think it will be a great little place by the time we are done with it!  It's a little sad, since we did some updating to our current house (thank you 2011 hail storm!) and now we have to leave.  However, I'm not really sad about leaving here at all!  It's too dang small!  Yay for more space!  I'll try to post some photos of our progress once we start doing our projects.

As for the kids, not much has changed.  Bryden is still super involved in sports.  He's playing soccer and baseball right now.  His first baseball game of the season is tomorrow and I am super excited!  I love baseball season!  Soccer is not my fave, but I'm trying to get on board with it because it seems like he may be in it for the long haul.  He's decided he's "going pro".  Lol.  That kid has some serious ego issues.  ;)  Aeson is also playing soccer!  It's awful!  I don't know why he even wanted to play it again, since he despised it last year.  I think he kind of likes it this season, but he doesn't exactly play.  The other kids actually get out there and run and seem to know what they are doing, while my sweet boy just kind of runs around and stays somewhat in the vicinity of the other players.  He won't get near the ball though.  Every now and then in practice he will give it a little kick..but only when he's told to.  He really needs a new activity.  Any ideas? 

I guess I should get back to figuring out my packing situation.  Did I mention I hate moving?