Feeling completely helpless

First of all, if you are reading this then you either follow my blog or somehow came across this.  I usually post on facebook when I update my blog, but today I will definitely not do that.  Today's post is an outlet for me to vent. 

A couple of posts ago I shared that Alex and I were having fertility problems.  I am not turning this blog into an "infertility journey" although sometimes I do think about having a private blog just for that.  However, I keep thinking that if I start another blog then I'll just wind up pregnant and that will have been a big waste of time!  That is just wishful thinking....

Anyways, this month we had our second IUI.  (Look it up if you don't know what it is).  I took letrozole and follistim and produced 5 mature follicles.  My dr happily announced that this could be "it" and that my chances for twins was increased.  I went into panic mode and thought that maybe we should sit this cycle out..(doctors will cancel an iui when you have too many follicles due to the chance of multiples and I was definitely borderline too high).  However, I decided to just go through with it because even know there was a higher risk of twins I thought that maybe it would increase the chance of actually getting pregnant.  Well today I am 11 dpiui (11 days post iui) and I decided to take a pregnancy test.  Negative.  Of course.  I'm not surprised...I've been completely moody and hating life the past few days, so that can only mean one thing..and it doesn't mean pregnancy. 

I am beyond upset.  I don't mind talking about my issues too much, but at the same time I am so SICK AND TIRED of people asking me if I know anything yet.  I promise..when I know YOU WILL KNOW.  No news from me does not mean good news in this case.  If someone has had infertility issues..then you are free to talk to me and help me through this.  If you have not, then please don't bother.  You don't understand how I am feeling and you most likely never will unless it happens to you.  I am blessed to have "secondary infertility" because I do know the experience of pregnancy and having children and am so happy that I was able to have my kids with no problems.  In hindsight, I completely took that for granted and I sincerely apologize to anyone that was suffering quietly with infertility as I probably bitched and moaned about being pregnant.  At least I was able to get pregnant and sustain a pregnancy and have 2 healthy kids.  Not everyone is this lucky.  With that being said, secondary infertility still sucks and I guess in Alex's case this would be considered primary infertility for him since he has no children.  I hate that I am having issues giving him a child.  I'm sick of tearing up every 5 minutes and trying to hide it and pretending that everything is ok.  I'm sick of feeling anxiety every month and then being let down.  I also feel guilty that I am totally not 100% there for the kids that I already have.  I am going through the motions every day...taking them to school, sports, etc...but I haven't been 100% mentally there in months.  I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I missed out on things just because I am an emotional wreck.  I've prayed and prayed for something to work and for peace each month to help me get through it.  Nothing is working. 

I wish people would quit asking me if I plan on having more kids or if Alex wants a child.  Of course we do!  Unfortunately, my body doesn't seem to be on the same page. 

Vent over.

It's that time of year again!

Today was the first day back to school for Bryden.  Can you believe he is a second grader!?  This year he is in a new school.  Prosper just opened it's 4th elementary school and our house is in that zone.  I feel so bad for him because he spent his kindergarten year in Celina, then moved to Rucker elementary in Prosper and now he had to go to another new school!  At least a lot of his old classmates were moved to this school as well.  I think it bothers me more than it does him.

He barely let me snap this photo with my phone as we were walking in.  Oh and he didn't even want me to walk him in!  I finally talked him into it when I pointed out that EVERYONE was getting walked in, but he was quick to tell me that this was the only time I would be allowed to do this.  He thinks he is big stuff!  I was very excited for this school year to start.  It is fun having him at home, but he definitely needs something to do!  School is good for both of us!  Although, I did get a little sad driving away as I let it sink in that my first born is a SECOND grader.  Does that sound old to anyone else?  He seems to be excited about moving up in the ranks though and is ready to conquer the year!

Aeson was also very excited about today.  He was so ready for Bryden to go to school so he could have "mommy & Aeson time" again.  He is snuggled up in our bed with cookies and milk watching a movie at the moment and told me that this was the "most awesome morning ever!"  Unfortunately, this will be short lived because he will be starting preschool next week!  :'(   That is going to be a hard day for both of us!  I am sure I will log on next week with a whole different outlook on the first day of school.  Until then...I hope everyone in the area has a great first week of school!  Good luck to all the kids out there!

One year down and many many more go!

Can you believe it has already been a year since our wedding?  Yesterday was our one year anniversary and I just want to make sure my husband knows how much I love and appreciate him.

This year has just flown by and we have been through a lot as newlyweds.  We started out our first year of marriage by getting married in NY and having the best simple and sweet wedding with our family and close friends.  Our wedding night was a blast when we went out in NYC with our closest friends.  What a random group of people it turned out to be, however, it was such a special night!  We then flew to Hawaii to have the most memorable honeymoon ever.  It was the most glorious place I have been to so far and there isn't a day that I don't think about it.  (Seriously...I have to get back there ASAP!!!)  Married life has come naturally for us and I have to say that since I have another marriage to compare it to that this is a huge blessing (especially since I have the boys).  We probably have some form of argument at least once a day to every other day, but it doesn't even matter.  Alex still makes me smile even when I am so frustrated and angry (although I really really try to fight that sometimes!), which ensures me that he is my one and only.  In the past year we have started a photography business, which has been slow going but seems to be promising.  He has been so supportive by helping me with this, so that I can try to stay home with the kids as much as possible.  Alex started a new job (right after our honeymoon) and even though it seems as though it has its up and downs it has been going fairly well.  We have "birthed" a littler of puppies, which was quite the experience and even kept 2 of the litter to add to our zoo.  

Don't get me wrong...this year hasn't been been completely positive.  Alex lost his grandfather, but I hope that I was able to make that hard time a little more bearable for him.  We lost a kitty (my cat that I have had since my freshman year in college), which of course isn't the same as losing a family member, but hard nevertheless.  I've been really hesitant about blogging about this...but we have also been trying to have a baby.  Pretty much since the honeymoon (probably around September of last year) and it has been obviously unsuccessful.  This has probably been the most trying thing that we have endured so far, but Alex has made it the slightest bit easier to go through.  One of these days I am sure I will go into a little more detail about this, but just for everyone's curiosity..there is nothing wrong with him or me..it's just the combination of us together...which sucks...but we are seeking help to overcome this. How can I have 2 beautiful kids so easily with someone that I didn't stay married to and didn't even like all that much, but can't have just one baby with my soul mate? 

Anyway, I just hope that Alex is aware of how much I love him and appreciate him for everything he does for me and my kids.  We love him so much and don't know where we would be without him!