First of all, if you are reading this then you either follow my blog or somehow came across this. I usually post on facebook when I update my blog, but today I will definitely not do that. Today's post is an outlet for me to vent.
A couple of posts ago I shared that Alex and I were having fertility problems. I am not turning this blog into an "infertility journey" although sometimes I do think about having a private blog just for that. However, I keep thinking that if I start another blog then I'll just wind up pregnant and that will have been a big waste of time! That is just wishful thinking....
Anyways, this month we had our second IUI. (Look it up if you don't know what it is). I took letrozole and follistim and produced 5 mature follicles. My dr happily announced that this could be "it" and that my chances for twins was increased. I went into panic mode and thought that maybe we should sit this cycle out..(doctors will cancel an iui when you have too many follicles due to the chance of multiples and I was definitely borderline too high). However, I decided to just go through with it because even know there was a higher risk of twins I thought that maybe it would increase the chance of actually getting pregnant. Well today I am 11 dpiui (11 days post iui) and I decided to take a pregnancy test. Negative. Of course. I'm not surprised...I've been completely moody and hating life the past few days, so that can only mean one thing..and it doesn't mean pregnancy.
I am beyond upset. I don't mind talking about my issues too much, but at the same time I am so SICK AND TIRED of people asking me if I know anything yet. I promise..when I know YOU WILL KNOW. No news from me does not mean good news in this case. If someone has had infertility issues..then you are free to talk to me and help me through this. If you have not, then please don't bother. You don't understand how I am feeling and you most likely never will unless it happens to you. I am blessed to have "secondary infertility" because I do know the experience of pregnancy and having children and am so happy that I was able to have my kids with no problems. In hindsight, I completely took that for granted and I sincerely apologize to anyone that was suffering quietly with infertility as I probably bitched and moaned about being pregnant. At least I was able to get pregnant and sustain a pregnancy and have 2 healthy kids. Not everyone is this lucky. With that being said, secondary infertility still sucks and I guess in Alex's case this would be considered primary infertility for him since he has no children. I hate that I am having issues giving him a child. I'm sick of tearing up every 5 minutes and trying to hide it and pretending that everything is ok. I'm sick of feeling anxiety every month and then being let down. I also feel guilty that I am totally not 100% there for the kids that I already have. I am going through the motions every day...taking them to school, sports, etc...but I haven't been 100% mentally there in months. I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I missed out on things just because I am an emotional wreck. I've prayed and prayed for something to work and for peace each month to help me get through it. Nothing is working.
I wish people would quit asking me if I plan on having more kids or if Alex wants a child. Of course we do! Unfortunately, my body doesn't seem to be on the same page.
Vent over.
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