Too much anxiety

First of all, here I am last week (16 weeks).  I feel like I should be bigger than this with twins, but I guess I wasn't ever that big with singletons either.  Actually, I don't think I was showing at all at this point with Bryden or Aeson.

As you can see..I am full of worry!  I'm worried I'm not big enough, I'm worried that I haven't felt them (or have I?), I'm worried that the heart rate is faster on one, I'm worried about walking around too much or not enough, worried that I have a headache, worried, worried, worried!!!  Ugh!  I could not WAIT to get pregnant again.  I wanted to savor every little moment since I may not ever experience this again!  Unfortunately, all my joy has been taken over by anxiety.  Twins are scary.  Almost every story of people I personally know that have been pregnant with twins have had some sort of issue.  It ranges from bed rest, to hospital bed rest, to premature labor that leads to the death of one or even both babies...or maybe they both made it, but they were in the NICU for MONTHS!  This makes me freak out!  I've reached out to the internet world and asked for some positive stories and I received many of them...so I know that it is possible!  I am trying to have faith that my body has had two healthy children with absolutely no issues and that it can do it for two.  I don't even mind the thought of bed rest (although with two older kids in school and part of various activities this could be a little problematic), I'm obviously most terrified of something happening to them.  I've expressed my concerns with my OB and he seems to think that everything will be fine and to quit freaking out when we don't have anything to worry about at the moment.  

Anyway, that's it for today.  Just hoping I can relax because what will be will be...  Any thoughts and prayers would be much appreciated!

Long time no see!

I know, I know...it's been awhile!  I have been wanting to blog for months now, but just didn't feel it was ever the "right" time.  But, we finally have BIG news!  We are finally pregnant!  WITH TWINS!  We've already made the big announcement to the everyone, but it's time that the blogging world knows so I have a diary for myself to share everything.  I have briefly mentioned in the past that we were struggling with secondary infertility, so we are so happy and excited to finally be at this point.  I wanted to blog about my struggles, but felt the need to keep quiet about things.  I got really tired of people asking me how things were going in the baby department.  It was really difficult and sad to keep repeating that nothing was working.  I finally decided to shutup about things around the holidays so hopefully nobody would ask.  We did our first round of IVF in November and it worked.  We were so happy, but I never felt at peace.  Eventually, I discovered why.  The baby stopped growing at 5 weeks and we miscarried in January.  I don't think I've ever been at such a low place.  We had to have a d&c and it was heartbreaking to have someone rip out the baby that we were so desperate to have.  The weeks following were terrible.  My friends and family that knew about everything didn't seem to understand.  My own husband didn't seem to understand, although I know he was upset also.  We were told we had to wait a few months before trying again.  The waiting was agony!  However, I had comfort knowing that we had 5 little frozen embryos waiting for us.  In March we were able to get started on the process for our frozen embryo transfer (FET).  It meant more shots, but I was so ready to do whatever it took.  We didn't tell anyone that we were gearing up to do this in case it didn't work.  In April we transferred two of our little embryos and obviously, they both stuck!  I felt better about the transfer, so I was really hoping that they would stick around for the long haul.  So far so good!  At first, I had trouble keeping the news a secret.  We let our moms know early on and one of my best friends, but that was it!  I was so miserable and sick and had trouble hiding it, but after awhile I kind of grew to like our little secret.  :)  Eventually, right before the 14 week mark, we decided to let the news out.  We had our NT scan and everything looked great, so we decided it was time.  I was a little nervous telling Bryden and Aeson.  I wasn't sure how they would react and their dad also has a baby on the way (due not long before us), so this was going to be big news for them!  I didn't expect too much of a reaction, just because my kids don't show much emotion, but Bryden's reaction was priceless!  I wish I had it on video.  He died laughing when we told them it was twins...and then laughed even harder when I said that the doctor's think they are both boys (at least one is 100% a boy and the other appears to be the same).  Aeson didn't have much to say...I'm pretty sure he doesn't realize his world is about to change in a big way!  After Bryden had a good chuckle, he didn't seem to surprised.  He said something to me about God finally giving us babies. He knew that I had been praying for this for a long time.  He legitimately seems excited about having babies around, which makes my heart so happy.

So far, this pregnancy has been fairly easy compared to my other two.  At first, this worried me.  I figured since I had two babies in there that this one would be awful!  But, not too bad!  I still have morning sickness off and on and I am completely exhausted if I leave the house for over an hour, but nothing I can't handle.  I'm hoping that everything continues to go fairly smoothly, but I know twins can be hard to carry, so I am just praying we can make it to 37 weeks with minimal issues!  (Only 22 more weeks to go!)

Here is a photo of me last week at 14 weeks.  (Excuse the way I look)

I definitely plan to blog more often.  I have always said that I wished I would have kept a journal or something with my other pregnancies, so this is the easiest way to do it!