My baby is 5!

5 years old sucks.  Well..I guess it probably doesn't..but, I am going to pout about it anyway!  I don't know why the big "5" is so sad for me.  1st and 5th birthdays get to me every dang time.  I guess because 4 and younger still seems so small, but FIVE!!  My goodness!  He starts kindergarten next year!  My little guy is too small for kindergarten, isn't he??  Wasn't he just starting to walk and talk and wearing diapers?? 

I know I don't blog often, but I try to blog a letter to my kids on their birthdays (I am aware I am a day late)...so here it goes:

Aeson,

Yesterday was your 5th birthday!  It was bittersweet for me.  First of all, 5 years old makes me cry.  You are my baby and I am not ready for you to be a "big boy".  Second of all, I didn't even spend much of the day with you.  You were with your dad and had a small party with him and his family.  I cried most of the morning because I wasn't able to see your sweet face when you woke up on your birthday.  However, you were home early that evening just in time to go to a restaurant of your choice..which of course was "hibachi".  We went to Jin Beh where you ate your regular...soup and fried rice.  You were too exhausted to eat much of your ice cream or even have a birthday cupcake when you got home, but we had a great time anyway.  I hope your birthday was a special day for you! 

Time is flying by and there are a few things I want you to hear.  You are literally the sweetest kid I know.  I am well aware that I am little biased since you belong to me, but seriously...you would give the shirt off your back to make someone else happy.  You let your brother eat your birthday ice cream at dinner and even offered him to sleep with your "dream light" that you got for your birthday.  I tried to remind you that this was your new present and there was no need to share it just yet, but you insisted.  I love this quality about you and I hope it never changes. 

This year you started your first year of preschool.  I want you to know that we were all anxiously waiting for this day to see how it would unfold.  You are so smart, but you also have this care free attitude that we weren't sure if it would help you or hurt you in school.  So far you have exceeded all my expectations!  You seem to love school and love learning.  The first couple of weeks you tried to act like you brother and tell me that you "were too tired to tell me about your day".  I know you were just used to hearing him say this, but I knew that somewhere deep inside you were dying to fill me in on the details.  When I finally got you to break your silence, you went into every single detail about what happened at school.  These days I don't even have to ask.  We leave your classroom and you tell me about your day from start to finish.  I love that you love school.  I also love the care free attitude you have that I thought could be hurtful in a learning environment.  You have made many friends and from what I can see it looks like the teachers are pretty fond of you too.  Every morning that I drop you off they get you out of the car and you always have something to say that makes them smile and laugh.  I always wonder what you are telling them, because you never know with you!  We are also so amazed and amused by the things that come out of your mouth.

You are so fun and full of personality.  People are drawn to you and I can see why!  You are full of snuggles, hugs and kisses!  I literally can't get enough of it. 

This year has been full of fun and excitement and I can't wait to see what the next year has in store for you. 

We love you so much and I hope you never change!

Love,

Mommy

Feeling completely helpless

First of all, if you are reading this then you either follow my blog or somehow came across this.  I usually post on facebook when I update my blog, but today I will definitely not do that.  Today's post is an outlet for me to vent. 

A couple of posts ago I shared that Alex and I were having fertility problems.  I am not turning this blog into an "infertility journey" although sometimes I do think about having a private blog just for that.  However, I keep thinking that if I start another blog then I'll just wind up pregnant and that will have been a big waste of time!  That is just wishful thinking....

Anyways, this month we had our second IUI.  (Look it up if you don't know what it is).  I took letrozole and follistim and produced 5 mature follicles.  My dr happily announced that this could be "it" and that my chances for twins was increased.  I went into panic mode and thought that maybe we should sit this cycle out..(doctors will cancel an iui when you have too many follicles due to the chance of multiples and I was definitely borderline too high).  However, I decided to just go through with it because even know there was a higher risk of twins I thought that maybe it would increase the chance of actually getting pregnant.  Well today I am 11 dpiui (11 days post iui) and I decided to take a pregnancy test.  Negative.  Of course.  I'm not surprised...I've been completely moody and hating life the past few days, so that can only mean one thing..and it doesn't mean pregnancy. 

I am beyond upset.  I don't mind talking about my issues too much, but at the same time I am so SICK AND TIRED of people asking me if I know anything yet.  I promise..when I know YOU WILL KNOW.  No news from me does not mean good news in this case.  If someone has had infertility issues..then you are free to talk to me and help me through this.  If you have not, then please don't bother.  You don't understand how I am feeling and you most likely never will unless it happens to you.  I am blessed to have "secondary infertility" because I do know the experience of pregnancy and having children and am so happy that I was able to have my kids with no problems.  In hindsight, I completely took that for granted and I sincerely apologize to anyone that was suffering quietly with infertility as I probably bitched and moaned about being pregnant.  At least I was able to get pregnant and sustain a pregnancy and have 2 healthy kids.  Not everyone is this lucky.  With that being said, secondary infertility still sucks and I guess in Alex's case this would be considered primary infertility for him since he has no children.  I hate that I am having issues giving him a child.  I'm sick of tearing up every 5 minutes and trying to hide it and pretending that everything is ok.  I'm sick of feeling anxiety every month and then being let down.  I also feel guilty that I am totally not 100% there for the kids that I already have.  I am going through the motions every day...taking them to school, sports, etc...but I haven't been 100% mentally there in months.  I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I missed out on things just because I am an emotional wreck.  I've prayed and prayed for something to work and for peace each month to help me get through it.  Nothing is working. 

I wish people would quit asking me if I plan on having more kids or if Alex wants a child.  Of course we do!  Unfortunately, my body doesn't seem to be on the same page. 

Vent over.

It's that time of year again!

Today was the first day back to school for Bryden.  Can you believe he is a second grader!?  This year he is in a new school.  Prosper just opened it's 4th elementary school and our house is in that zone.  I feel so bad for him because he spent his kindergarten year in Celina, then moved to Rucker elementary in Prosper and now he had to go to another new school!  At least a lot of his old classmates were moved to this school as well.  I think it bothers me more than it does him.

He barely let me snap this photo with my phone as we were walking in.  Oh and he didn't even want me to walk him in!  I finally talked him into it when I pointed out that EVERYONE was getting walked in, but he was quick to tell me that this was the only time I would be allowed to do this.  He thinks he is big stuff!  I was very excited for this school year to start.  It is fun having him at home, but he definitely needs something to do!  School is good for both of us!  Although, I did get a little sad driving away as I let it sink in that my first born is a SECOND grader.  Does that sound old to anyone else?  He seems to be excited about moving up in the ranks though and is ready to conquer the year!

Aeson was also very excited about today.  He was so ready for Bryden to go to school so he could have "mommy & Aeson time" again.  He is snuggled up in our bed with cookies and milk watching a movie at the moment and told me that this was the "most awesome morning ever!"  Unfortunately, this will be short lived because he will be starting preschool next week!  :'(   That is going to be a hard day for both of us!  I am sure I will log on next week with a whole different outlook on the first day of school.  Until then...I hope everyone in the area has a great first week of school!  Good luck to all the kids out there!

One year down and many many more go!

Can you believe it has already been a year since our wedding?  Yesterday was our one year anniversary and I just want to make sure my husband knows how much I love and appreciate him.

This year has just flown by and we have been through a lot as newlyweds.  We started out our first year of marriage by getting married in NY and having the best simple and sweet wedding with our family and close friends.  Our wedding night was a blast when we went out in NYC with our closest friends.  What a random group of people it turned out to be, however, it was such a special night!  We then flew to Hawaii to have the most memorable honeymoon ever.  It was the most glorious place I have been to so far and there isn't a day that I don't think about it.  (Seriously...I have to get back there ASAP!!!)  Married life has come naturally for us and I have to say that since I have another marriage to compare it to that this is a huge blessing (especially since I have the boys).  We probably have some form of argument at least once a day to every other day, but it doesn't even matter.  Alex still makes me smile even when I am so frustrated and angry (although I really really try to fight that sometimes!), which ensures me that he is my one and only.  In the past year we have started a photography business, which has been slow going but seems to be promising.  He has been so supportive by helping me with this, so that I can try to stay home with the kids as much as possible.  Alex started a new job (right after our honeymoon) and even though it seems as though it has its up and downs it has been going fairly well.  We have "birthed" a littler of puppies, which was quite the experience and even kept 2 of the litter to add to our zoo.  

Don't get me wrong...this year hasn't been been completely positive.  Alex lost his grandfather, but I hope that I was able to make that hard time a little more bearable for him.  We lost a kitty (my cat that I have had since my freshman year in college), which of course isn't the same as losing a family member, but hard nevertheless.  I've been really hesitant about blogging about this...but we have also been trying to have a baby.  Pretty much since the honeymoon (probably around September of last year) and it has been obviously unsuccessful.  This has probably been the most trying thing that we have endured so far, but Alex has made it the slightest bit easier to go through.  One of these days I am sure I will go into a little more detail about this, but just for everyone's curiosity..there is nothing wrong with him or me..it's just the combination of us together...which sucks...but we are seeking help to overcome this. How can I have 2 beautiful kids so easily with someone that I didn't stay married to and didn't even like all that much, but can't have just one baby with my soul mate? 

Anyway, I just hope that Alex is aware of how much I love him and appreciate him for everything he does for me and my kids.  We love him so much and don't know where we would be without him! 

Summer so far

Summer has been going great!  Well actually, I am pretty over it.  I am hating the hot weather and am really wanting some cooler weather and football!  Fall is definitely my favorite season.  But, we have had a pretty good summer so far.  We took a trip to Italy with Alex's sister and his grandparents for his grandmother's 85th birthday.  It was mine and the kids first time to Italy and we were really looking forward to having a great time.  I'm not sure what the kids expected, but they both admitted that it wasn't what they thought it was going to be.  For the most part, they had a good time swimming in the pool and swimming in the sea.  However, I am pretty sure they were not expecting how much time we would be spending eating.  I really enjoy food, so this part wasn't so bad for me, but I felt kind of bad for the kids.  We had many meals with Alex's Italian relatives and they lasted hours.  Most of our trip consisted of meeting up with family members and eating.  Alex's family was so friendly and so welcoming.  I don't think we met anyone that I didn't like.  Also, the food was AMAZING, of course, but the kids didn't agree.  Aeson ate scrambled eggs pretty much every meal for a large part of the trip.  He finally graduated to little hot dogs and french fries and then got up the courage to order pizza with french fries and hot dogs on it by the end of the trip.  (This dish was pretty much at every restaurant for kiddos).  Bryden also had lots of hot dogs and french fries, but discovered that pork chops were on one menu and he was in heaven.  He then ate some form of pork for the remainder of our vacation and was one happy boy!  His favorite meal at home is steak, so I guess this was the closest thing he could find to his favorite meal.  I was actually shocked he didn't eat more pizza...but I don't think he liked it too much.  (Crazy, right!?  The pizza was fabulous!!)  Their favorite food of all was...gelato!  They couldn't get enough.

My favorite day was when we took a drive down the Amalfi Coast and we were able to stop in a few little towns along the way. 

The drive was so pretty.  I loved it.  At one of the stops even Bryden said "I didn't know Italy was going to be so pretty".  Then under his breath he said "it's beautiful...."  Love him.  I like that he appreciates other countries.  I wish we could have spent more time on this drive and been able to explore the other towns longer.  If we go again, I hope that we can do some more things on our own time rather than having to rely on having to be somewhere else and feeling rushed.  I also want to see more of Italy and Europe.  We pretty much stuck to Sorrento (other than the Amalfi drive) so we didn't see Rome (except for the airport) or anything else. 

Overall, we had a great time and the kids and I are looking forward to returning someday. 

Bryden is 7!

I realize it has been awhile since I have logged on here to write anything, but today is a very special day!  It's my first born's 7th birthday!  Happy Birthday, Bryden! 

Bryden,

I remember this day, 7 years ago, like it was yesterday.  Actually, it started May 10th.  I went into the hospital that night to be induced and was so scared and excited to meet my baby boy.  What an entrance you made into this world.  You were so stubborn and decided to make me wait a week past your due date..and even then we had to give you a little push, but when you were ready you didn't take any time!  As a matter of fact, I didn't even have time for an epidural.  Your grandparents barely made it in time.  In fact, your dad almost missed it!  The moment I was able to hold you and look into your eyes, I knew that my world was forever changed.  I had never in my life experienced such an intense love for anyone until you entered my world.  You gave me the gift of what it means to love and be a part of something greater than yourself. 

I know I don't always get it right.  You are my first born, which means that I am still learning how to parent.  I know I sometimes blame you when it is Aeson's fault (although I am quickly realizing that most of the time it IS defintely his fault).  I sometimes yell too much and talk too much when I should just be listening.  I realize a lot of times that my standards for you may be too high and I often scold you for not behaving when you are just being a kid.  I am working on this.  I am learning to "pick my battles".  Some days I get it right and others I fall too short.

I hope you realize that despite of my faults as a person and as a mom, I hope you never spend one moment of your life doubting my love for you.  With that being said there are few things that I want you to know on your special day.

You are the one that taught me the meaning of unconditional love.

You have taught me that is ok to just be yourself (even though we both need some reminding at times).  It is ok to be different and being yourself is THE best thing!

You remind me every day not to sweat the small stuff.

You have taught me compassion.  You are so genuine and truly care about others.

You have taught me that love is always enough.

You remind me every day that I do have a purpose.

Thank you so much for just being you.  You make me laugh every day and I love your sarcastic sense of humor (although it can get you in trouble at times).  You are so smart and I am truly amazed at how much you have learned this year in first grade.  So far, this has been the year you have changed the most.  I love that you are so into sports.  I have been so tired from running you from practice to practice and our Saturdays have been packed with games..but it has been so much fun and rewarding watching you grow and improve. 

I am so grateful today and everyday for all the things you have brought into my life.  I am grateful for everything you have taught me and I can't wait to see what the future holds for us. 

Today is emotional for me.  I cried on your first birthday and on your 5th birthday.  I am crying today on your 7th birthday.  I never really thought of age 7 as such a milestone, but you have grown up so much over the past year.  You seem so "old" to me.  I can't believe you are almost through with 1st grade.  When I think of all the things you have brought to me over the years, I am moved to tears.

I love you so much.  Words can never express the feelings I have for you.

Happy Birthday sweet boy!

I'm pupped. I mean pooped...

So I just want to say that I have an incredible amount of respect towards dog breeders.  OMG it is so much work!  The first 2-3 weeks were pretty awful since Bella was a terrible mom and I was having to get up every 2-3 hours to let them feed and wipe bottoms so they would pee and poo.  (As mentioned in my last post...usually the mom does this, but she had no part of it)  But then they finally started going to the bathroom on their own!  What a glorious day!  I was thinking that this whole puppy thing was going to get so much easier...and it was...for about a week.  Then it came time to start weaning....

Cute, right? 

Ahh yes....I watched my "babies" begin to eat their puppy food and I may have even teared up a bit...my sweet little pups are growing up!!  But that little moment didn't last for too long...I don't think I realized that all hell was about to break loose.

Weaning the puppies may be more tiring than the first couple of weeks!  Yes, I get to sleep almost all night and this is VERY important for me, BUT my days are insane!!  I'm actually impressed that I am sitting here blogging...actually, now that I think about it...I am pretty sure I hear newspaper being shredded.  Didn't I just put them down for a nap!?!?!?

Anyway, so weaning puppies = more poop...and Bella isn't around them as much to clean it up for them.  (Yes, mama dogs "clean up" the poop for those of you not familiar with this process).  The past couple of mornings I have gone into the bathroom to find a poo explosion.  There is poo everywhere and then they must step it, roll in it, bathe in it...who knows..because it is all over the floor, side of the tub, the cabinets, the door, the walls.  Yes, I have towels down, newspapers and even puppy pads...but they have learned to play and these have become their toys.  Newspapers get torn, towels get dragged and the puppy pads are usually rolled up into a little ball.  So every morning I begin my day by scrubbing down the bathroom.  Meanwhile I have already gotten their breakfast ready so I usually put them in front of their bowls in the living room or kitchen (I would totally do this outside, but the rain/cooler weather has put a damper on this) while I clean up the bathroom.  Afterwards, I am feeling very accomplished and breathe a sigh of relief that it is finally clean again until I turn my head and realize the puppies have devoured their food and are wreaking havoc in the living room.  Here we go again...I furiously try to throw them on the puppy pads that I have scattered all over the living room, but for some reason they like to go right next to it.  Seriously???  Don't forget..there are EIGHT of these crazy pups that I am chasing around trying to teach them to potty on the dang pad.  They are getting really quick too...so this morning they were running everywhere...the kitchen, my room, the kids room...you name it, they found it. Every time I turn my head they are dragging around a shoe, sock, towel, clothing item, or even chewing on the furniture...Luckily their teeth are pretty weak, so I don't foresee them doing any damage...YET. 
I wonder how much longer it will be before they can actually tear stuff up.....
Hopefully, they will find nice homes soon before this happens.  I love 'em, but they are a HANDFUL!

But on the other hand, they are so cute.  They just take one look at me with those sad puppy eyes or lick my face with their skunky puppy breath and I melt.  Their sweet faces make me forget just how crazy they have become....almost.

But seriously...how can you resist these sweet faces?

Alex, the kids, and I love them so much and I can't believe they are 5 weeks tomorrow!  This means that in a little over a week it will be time to find new homes for the little guys.  We really want them to go to very good homes and if anyone knows of someone that may be interested, please let me know!  I am ready for things to be back to normal around here, but I can promise you that I will be shedding a tear for every one that leaves us.  We are keeping one, but I keep thinking...maybe we could just keep 2....yes, I know...crazy talk. 

Well, it is almost time for another feeding and I am sure there is poo all over the bathroom.

So here we go again!!!!

Hello 2012!

What an ending we had to the year 2011!


Christmas Eve we spent with Alex's dad and sister, who came over to our house for dinner.  We had a ton of food.  The menu included: clams, mussels, cold cuts, cheese, beef wellington, squid, struffoli and sfogliatelle.  The boys missed our feast, but did come home later just in time for Santa and they got pretty much everything they asked for.  Their list was pretty simple...legos, play-doh, video games, and board games.  Bryden asked for quite a few board games, which I am excited about.  He wants us to start having a "family game night" and I am going to embrace this idea because usually the kids are whining to play their nintendo DS or the Xbox.  So hooray for family game night!  Christmas afternoon we spent at my parents eating prime rib, baked potatoes, green been casserole, rolls, corn, and pie.  We opened presents and then of course had our stockings.  Aeson had not gotten too overly excited about his gifts that day until that point.  He was simply overjoyed that he got a banana and an apple in his stocking.  We spent the day after Christmas with my extended family at a local restaurant and then off to my grandmother's house for gifts.  Aeson, again, was so excited to have bananas in his stocking.  Next year, I am thinking a fruit basket for Christmas!!

Here is the entire McIlroy fam for Christmas!

The most exciting (and stressful) thing that happened over the past week and a half is that we have puppies!!  It is a fairly long story, but we took on a pregnant golden retriever (one that we knew) and decided to take care of her throughout her pregnancy/puppies because her owners did not expect it and didn't exactly have time for puppies.  It has been quite the event and was way more work than expected!  First of all, Bella (mama dog) decided to have these pups the morning after she was brought to us.  I had an xray done so I knew she had 10 puppies in her belly.  The first one she delivered I actually found dead in our closet and I had to run and grab her to put her in the bathroom to deliver the others.  She had no idea what was going on and neither did I.  I had to call Alex and have him come home because the whole ordeal was becoming a bit overwhelming.  Long story short, Bella delivered 4 more puppies before she quit contracting and we had to rush her to the animal ER where she ended up having a c-section to deliver the final 5.  At this point, we had 9 pups (7 black and 2 golden...the dad is most likely a black lab mix), but one of the golden ones did not make it and passed away the day after Christmas.  We are left with 8 pups and Bella is not the ideal mom.  She lets them eat, but we have to monitor their feedings to make sure everyone gets food and stimulate them to go to the bathroom.  We also can't leave Bella in the room with them when they aren't eating because she will squish the little guys. We have to get up every 2-3 hours at night to make sure everyone eats and goes potty.  Needless to say, this experience became way more work than we ever imagined, but we love those pups!  Bella will also stay here permanently, which works out wonderfully because she is an amazing dog.  We will also wind up keeping one of the babies, but I am sure we will have a hard time deciding who will stay.

So...if anyone wants a puppy let us know!!  They could make a great Valentine's Day present!!

 So anyway, we are pretty tied down to our house because we can't leave the puppies for long, but we did manage to get out on New Years Eve to go eat dinner with Alex's grandparents, dad and sister.  We didn't stay as long as we would have liked, but we always have a great time when we are with them.  We made it home pretty early and let the kids stay up until "midnight" (east coast time) and then I am pretty sure we were all fast asleep before midnight our time.  It was a nice way to ring in 2012 and I can't wait to see what this year has in store for us!